Thanks Again for Applying

Dear Dater Dave,

Thank you for submitting your application for the role of "Pole Hopper." After long hours of deliberation, the committee here at Cranium Jarrettum, Inc. has decided that your application has not met our standards of tact and sanity. This letter is to serve as a written confirmation of this decision.

The committee was impressed by your surveillance techniques, chiefly how you managed to confirm our representative's identity after watching him from a concealed location outside a bar. The committee was further impressed by your ability to identify our representative without ever having met him before and track him to his Facebook profile, though his profile image does not display his actual face. Unfortunately, these techniques do not fulfill the requirements of the Attraction Department, and we have just filled the last opening in Espionage.

You are clearly a bright and resourceful individual with many skills to give you a one-up in your career as a stalker. If you would like to apply for a position with one of our partner companies, we will forward your information along.

We wish you little personal success with your hump hunt and into the future. Thank you for your interest in Cranium Jarrettum, Inc.

Regards,

Kyle Jarrett
H.O.S. Cranium Jarrettum, Inc.

Holy Matrimony, Batman!

So... Yeah. Proposition 8 has kinda been... shot down.

I decided to give that its own row above the others because it's nice to see that there is still room for rational thinking in the country's legal system: there is no proven social ramification for the marriage of two members of the same sex. Feel free to argue this with me, but I will only respond to arguments citing real, documented studies concluding otherwise.

This ruling comes as a relief after two years. In 2008, at the twilight of my borderline Meyers-esque phase, the realization that the majority of California voters had made same-sex marriage a punishable crime swept my primary social goal out from under me, leading me to conclude that there really was no higher aim on the romantic level. Thousands of voters decided this was the right conclusion for me to reach, but now, "right" has failed. I would hope this means the time has come to rethink "right."

I'm waiting for the grumbling to start. I'm sure it already has. "The world will collapse upon itself any day now." "God will send hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, and flocks of bloodthirsty liberals as punishment for the nation's atrocious action," because yes, God the Almighty is that pithy. To me, it seems that the moral outrage over same-sex marriage equates the idea that God would be content to watch His people create cowardly, shallow, or selfish relationships with each other, as long as they were properly reproducing and filling up the planet beyond capacity.

The point is, after two years of my own cowardly, shallow, and selfish relationships, it is nice to have the alternative acknowledged, even if on a purely legal and logical level. The fact is, marriage is a journey that can attain a thousand virtues or fall beneath a thousand vices. Denying anyone that journey to growth or decay is, itself, immoral. The duality may never be openly acknowledged by a majority, but after two years of getting to know actual married same-sex couples, many with children, I believe that it will come to be acknowledged quietly in all but the most isolated communities.

Thank You For Applying

Dear Dater Dan,

Thank you for submitting your application for the role of "Sugar Daddy." After long hours of deliberation, the committee here at Cranium Jarrettum, Inc. has decided that your application has not met our heart and magic standards. This letter is to serve as a written confirmation of this decision.

The committee was impressed by your résumé, your financial qualifications, your Mercedes, and your first-name acquaintance with no less than four dozen household-name celebrities. For this reason, you may wish to apply for the open position of "Friend" or "Professional Contact."

If you decide to apply for one of said positions, please call or E-mail the Head of Staffing to set up an interview at your soonest convenience. We are currently in the early stages of the interview process for these positions.

Thank you so much for deciding to interview with Cranium Jarrettum, Inc. It was a delight to meet you and discuss life with you.

Whatever you decide about the current openings, please feel free to apply for any future openings for which you may qualify.

We wish you every personal and social success with your mate hunt and into the future. Thank you for your interest in Cranium Jarrettum, Inc.

Regards,

Kyle Jarrett
H.O.S. Cranium Jarrettum, Inc.